Unmet Expectations.....1

When I met Ariise, he was everything I wanted in my man, maybe a bit too much. So I was going into the relationship with a lot of expectations which I felt should just play out in the course of the relationship. Some of the expectations I had was being a Canadian citizen. Call me crazy but I believe everyone goes into a relationship with expectations of what they expect their partner to do for them either for selfish reasons or otherwise. For me, I had always dreamed of settling down outside the country, pursuing my Pharmacy career in the advanced world, getting certified as a true professional with many years of research and I was determined to follow through to my dream.

 

You see I had a rough childhood and I grew up seeing my mum’s career die because she was trying to please her husband and cater for the children. I believed my dad wasn’t encouraging her and that was always causing issues between both of them, eventually she had to let go to become a full house wife and started selling provisions.

A VERY CLOSE SHAVE 2.....

The next day, I didn’t pick Thomas’ calls and I guess he started getting worried, he sent me text messages but I didn’t respond, I wanted to get my acts together before seeing or talking to him. About 3 days later, we agreed to meet again and I voiced out my discomfort at the kiss we shared. He apologized and told me it would not happen again, so things went back to normal, but it didn’t take long before I realized my affection for him was growing by the day and I couldn’t control it. If I didn’t hear from Thomas in a day, then the day wasn’t perfect for me. So during one of my confessions with our parish priest, I opened up to him and told him all there was to know. It affected me so bad, that during mass, my mind just keeps screaming Hypocrite, so I sought refuge from our parish priest during my confessions. He recommended me for a counselling session and I started attending.

A VERY CLOSE SHAVE....

He has stopped calling and chatting me up, I should be happy after all this is what we both wanted, though we have tried this cutting of communication once and it didn’t work, I can’t help feeling this time it will work. Okay, I guess a part of me didn’t really want US to end but hey this is back to reality, I’ve got kids and a husband to look after.
 
I never ever thought my relationship with Thomas will go this far, in fact with my strict upbringing, I never imagined I wou

ld indulge in any extramarital affair no matter how drop dead handsome the guy is, but I have come to realize that the reasons a lot of married people engage in extramarital affairs has more to do with the ‘space’ the other person fills in their lives than their looks. We get so carried away by what our spouse does not do for us and warm up to the other person giving us attention in that area of need and that was how my relationship with Thomas started.

I wish all the marriage seminars and classes I attended prepared me for this new phase of my life and how to handle it, but I had to take each day as it comes, fighting a lot of emotional battles between what should be and what not and so much. I met Thomas at a friend’s birthday party I attended with my husband, I just noticed something special about him and somehow fate brought us together and we started talking, he met my husband and we kept in touch after that and became good friends. At that time he wasn’t married, so we were not so close. As a Christian, I was careful to keep him at arm’s length as I didn’t want any male attraction that would deviate me from my well brought up knowledge of how my marriage should run. He got married along the line and I relaxed my defenses a bit thinking since he is married, we could have an easy, free flowing friendship without any intentions coming in.
 
However, our closeness started after a chat one day when I asked him to ask me any question. He asked what I thought about him and I, not being one to spoil a good mood, went on telling him how nicely mannered and cautious I thought he was. He is not a bad looking guy and I told him that too. He then asked if I have ever done anything naughty before and I was quick to warn him not to be deceived with my demure look, we got talking about all sort of married stuffs and we got carried away. One thing I learnt in this is that being married does not mean I am immune to the opposite sex’s charms especially when there is an area of common interest. Where was my husband in all of this? Well, he was having his fair share of female attention too and he was getting closer to my kids than to me.

Let's talk about SEX!

Back to sex in marriage, try not to get over familiar with your partner's body, if not you'd see sex as boring and monotonous. Be creative with ideas and know what turns your spouse on. Wifeys, please discard that 1900s nightgown your mum bought for you as a wedding gift and surprise your spouse with some eye popping night wear. Let him always have something to look forward to when coming home. Dudes, please nah, stop wearing the boxers you've been wearing for almost three days now,it's a complete turn off, the smell of freshness gives the head a tingling sensation, even if she wasn't in the mood before, that alone can set the tone. If you got a package that's shabbily wrapped and one that was beautifully wrapped, which would you choose? 

SHARE....LOVE....TRUST

Having spoken to variety of married people, one thing I have come to realize is that a lot of us are trying to get ourselves occupied with other things outside marriage. Majority of married women now live a routine life, especially those that have been married for a while. Wake up, prepare for work, hustle through the day, get home prepare dinner, and then we are just too tired to SHARE a decent conversation of how the day went with our spouse. I must admit that recently, the toll of couples trying to beat this system is on the increase but those being weighed down by it too are also increasing. I am sure those trying can say that it hasn't been easy; because of this a lot of US are just living through our marriages.

Can you honestly say that at least once in a month you and your partner take time out for heart to heart talks? Bothering issues at work even issues that subtly threaten your marriage? Some of us have forgotten to LOVE, we just live for the next day.

Do you really have the mind it takes to be married?

Sometimes I wish there are ways you can totally express how you feel inside to your spouse, but like a wise mentor recently said ‘If you express everything on your inside, your marriage may not last long’ and I kind of truly agree with him. It’s sad that most people especially females have retreated into their self because they’ve been given the tag NAG, just because they decided to express themselves.

Some elderly good people once said as a wife, you live for your children not for your spouse and if you take a good look around, you will notice that’s gradually becoming the trend. Some women have seen their friends go from happy to laid back in their marriages and have decided that they would rather be single moms, others try to share what they are going through in their marriages, but when they hear from others, they just keep mum.

My FOREVER Best Friend....

It was just one Saturday morning, I was going about my official duties at work. I had just finished attending to a customer and was filing away a complaint on his behalf when this elderly man walked up to me. He wanted to pay for his postpaid line, he also wanted to roam his line because he was travelling for Hajj, he was filling his request form when he abruptly looked up and stared at me, then he asked with a smile, 'How long have you been married?, I answered '3years sir'..., he smiled again 'any kids? I answered 'just one sir' by now he got me wondering where the conversation was heading. Then he said to me 'Whatever you do, make your husband your best friend, don't hide anything from him no matter how bad, friends will come and go but only your true love will stand by you'.

The EX-Syndrome....

This issue has become a cause of worry in most homes. If you are single and in a relationship, if for any reason you decide to part with him/her, your reasons must be genuine enough not to fall back into temptation in the future. Let me delve further, when you get married, there's this kind of glow that exudes from your being that gives you a new look that makes everyone compliment you. That is when you hear comments like 'wow, it's good to be married'. At this point, you must know that it's not just our friends, colleagues and family that are watching, your ex(es) as the case may be are also watching.

The way and manner you parted doesn't matter, all eyes are on you now. Do not however be deceived that since you are now married, you can just be friends with them, you should understand that there's just this natural force of attraction marriage brings. This is the time some of them will call you out of the blues just to wish you a happy married life and from there call once in a while to check up and before you know they become family friends.

Discover HONOUR by leading the way

Honour for your spouse supercedes wearing your wedding ring. For most of us women, the ring becomes tight when we are pregnant and we sometimes have to take it off. So the ring is just a means to an end but not the end itself. Honour is a mentality, it is not what you just bump into, it is a course on its own. A definition says "To have high esteem or regard" yet another says "To fulfil an obligation or keep an agreement". Sometimes we feel we know the meaning of a word but ...you would be shocked at the various definitions of that word if you take time to research it.
 
From the above meanings, we can safely conclude that when you speak about your spouse amongst your friends in a "playful or naughty" way, you do not honour them. When you do anything contrary to your marriage vows, then you have broken the rules of honour. These things sometimes look simple but everyone of us have at one point of our marriage broken the rules. The good thing however is that we are in a school we pray never to graduate from and so learning is continuous. We can always make up for the past because year in, year out, our experiences makes us more mature.

Dear Wives,

Remember how you were anxious about your folks meeting him too? Remember how you knew and did all the latest hairstyles just to retain his attention knowing there’s a tough competition out there? Remember how you took extra care as you dress up each day? How excited you were waking up each morning and looking forward to the next communication with your ‘Bobo’? Remember how reading a text from him brightens up your day and when he hasn’t called you for the whole morning, you start wondering if there’s nothing wrong? Remember how you didn’t mind taking your time to go to the market and cook for him? Take care of his apartment whenever you visit? Tried to know all his area of interests and hobbies? Generally just tried your best to make him happy? So, why the change now?

Have you tried to sit down and analysis how you felt when you were in courtship and now that you are married for years? Does it ever feel the same way? Has the feeling improved greatly or declined? Do you still smile when you receive his text or you just take it as a normal thing? Do you still feel that warm feeling when you speak to him on the phone or you are so used to his voice now that it has no effect on you?

These days we only take care of our hair and dressing when we are leaving the house but what of when you are in the house? Do you cage that beautiful hairdo under that hairnet and wear one of your old worn dresses round the house? Is love making a routine now? Does it excite you like it used to back then? Do you look for ways as a woman to keep it hot for him even when he doesn’t encourage you? Do you treat competition as another way to improve on yourself or you demean yourself to start negatively comparing yourself to others?

CULTURE ALERT!!!!

There a lot of misconceptions about marriage we have been nurtured with as we grew up, especially as Africans. A lot of culture has been doctored in our subconscious about how to conduct ourselves in our marriages. I have nothing against our culture, it has helped us in some ways, but we should understand that GOD instituted marriage not culture, thus only God standards should be upheld in our marriages not what culture dictates to us. This is the sole reason why a lot us come to a point in our marriage where we feel like we need to take a breather and some actually walk out on their marriages, meanwhile if we had chosen our partners according to God’s word not Culture, it will always be easy to go back to God and commit your spouse to him.

· Culture says ‘you are not getting any younger, your mates are all married while some have children, just flow with any man that comes your way that appears like the man of your dreams’ but God says ‘Don’t flow with the tide, I know better and my time is the Best, I will give you the one after my heart’

· Culture says ‘if he/she is not from your tribe or neighboring tribe, don’t get married to them, but God says ‘There’s neither Jew or Greek, everyone is the same before me’